mad scientist tech

Imagine living in a future where laser weapons are blasting robots out of the sky like something out of a Skynet battle scene from Terminator. A time when the oceans are filled with loyal armies of cybernetic animals engineered to dismantle bombs and attack spies, and rocket drones can land and re-launch from across the globe, shipping people and supplies to and from space like a real life Planetary Express. Imagine all of this being controlled by a computer that’s its own boss!

We live in the dawn of that future. The age of information and mad science that’s allowing engineers and scientists to set up technologies that any villainous mad scientist would kill to possess, so they could use them to force the world to bend to their will. Here are the most diabolical innovations in existence today if they fell into the wrong hands.

1. Laser Canons

At the top of any mad scientist’s Amazon wish list would be any piece of tech produced by the budding LASER WEAPON MARKET. Currently, a handful of global technological companies like Boeing, Lockheed Martin, and Raytheon are in contract with the military to develop and perfect laser artillery. These laser cannons are being tested for defense in air, naval, and ground battle so they’re being strapped to jets, boats, and ground turrets to target ballistic missiles, boats, and even people.

What’s scary is that these weapons are becoming extremely accurate at blasting targets. Here’s a video of the Area Defense Anti Munitions system (or ADAM) targeting a missile and zapping it out of the sky in a matter of seconds. Last year the U.S.S. Ponce became the first naval vessel to be outfitted with a laser weapon system simply referred to as LaWS, which is essentially a solid state laser canon, and recently, Lockheed Martin laser guns received a ton of publicity after their new fiber-optic laser system ATHENA roasted a truck’s engine from over a mile away!

 

2. Combat Dolphins and Laser Sharks

030318-N-5319A-002 Central Command Area of Responsibility (Mar. 18, 2003) — K-Dog, a Bottle Nose Dolphin belonging to Commander Task Unit (CTU) 55.4.3, leaps out of the water in front Sgt. Andrew Garrett while training near the USS Gunston Hall (LSD 44) in the Arabian Gulf. Attached to the dolphinÕs pectoral fin is a ÒpingerÓ device that allows the handler to keep track of the dolphin when out of sight. CTU-55.4.3 is a multi-national team consisting of Naval Special Clearance Team-One, Fleet Diving Unit Three from the United Kingdom, Clearance Dive Team from Australia, and Explosive Ordnance Disposal Mobile Units Six and Eight (EODMU-6 and -8). These units are conducting deep/shallow water mine countermeasure operations to clear shipping lanes for humanitarian relief. CTU-55.4.3 and USS Gunston Hall are currently forward deployed conducting missions in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom, the multinational coalition effort to liberate the Iraqi people, eliminate Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction, and end the regime of Saddam Hussein. U.S. Navy photo by PhotographerÕs Mate 1st Class Brien Aho. (RELEASED)

According to the guardian, the Ukraine is currently demanding to have their combat dolphins returned from Russia. Apparently in the U.S. and abroad, dolphins have been trained to carry out military tasks for a number of years now. In fact, in the U.S., dolphins have been used by the military for nearly 40 years! Flipper went from being the Friendly Dolphin to the Fraggin Dolphin with a little help from ol’ Uncle Sam.

I can’t even imagine what kind of war stories a dolphin would have. Some dolphins have been trained to diffuse bombs and even guard patrol areas by ramming tracking beacons onto any potential invaders who swim into their perimeter. There’s even a whole department of the military dedicated to training military animals, and that’s just screaming for a C-list, mad scientist super-villain, who’s some cross between Dr. Moreau and Tony Stark, to hook up with a more misguided, militant version of PETA to seize these highly elite combat mammals so they can take out Sea Worlds across the globe.

 

3. Robots and Sexbots

There’s a long list of robots being made and used practically nowadays. There’s military drones, Amazon drones, roombas, Robonauts (that’s right robot astronauts), nano bots, surgical bots, self driving cars, and manufacturing automatons. Unless there’s a Maximum Overdrive-like uprising of all these droids, the real potential threat comes from military and humanoid robots that can punch your head off after they break your heart.

The Defense Advanced Research Agency (DARPA) has been developing military robots BigDog and Atlas for a number of years, but mad scientists like Professor Rotwang from Metropolis would be wide eyed with their hands clawing the air in exultation over the sexy robots being fashioned today. Not only can they be given an alluring female form, but they can also be programed to boogie down. Sure, sex robots seem good right now, but I think Futurama gave us a glimpse of what would become of the world if sexbots were ever fully realized.

 

4. Artificial Intelligence

What if Hal 9000 retired from his days as an astronaut and decided to settle down on Earth and take a 9 to 5 job? I think that question has been answered by Tokyo’s subway system that’s controlled by artificial intelligence. Major companies like Google are vying to acquire Artificial Intelligences to analyze mega data sets, but people like Elon Musk and Stephen Hawking and nearly every Sci-Fi story ever written about robots and computers have warned against A.I. and the dangers of computers becoming sentient. Leave it to Japan to take something as complex as A.I. and force it to run their subway systems. Perhaps working as a humble subway engineer will make A.I. more well rounded and down to earth, getting it ready to tackle the full responsibility of enslaving humanity with dignity and maturity. Let’s hope the A.I. stays in the subways and doesn’t fall into the hands of some other radical underground pro-robot movement.

 

5. Reusable Robot Rockets

This is one piece of technology that may already be in the hands of a mad scientist disguised as a business leader. I can see it now. In our time, everybody thought that Elon Musk was just an eccentric and innovative businessman. Having marveled at his super slick, super safe and super energy inefficient Telsa electric cars and his marvelous SpaceX rockets, we would have never thought that he was actually Doctor Nikola Tesla reborn—having found the key to immortality through galvanization with only one side effect (pure madness).

In the future, people will look back at this time and wonder how we couldn’t see something so blatantly obvious as Elon Musk taking over the world with his robot rockets. Now that he has control of the reusable and programmable Falcon 9 rockets, he can use them to capture the world’s most powerful people and blast them into the sun. He can send them blasting into bank vaults and program them to haul all the world’s riches to his hidden fortress on the dark side of the moon, and once he combines his rockets with sexbot tech, he can use them to seduce nuclear war heads to do his bidding and hold the rest of the world hostage.

This would all be Phase One of his ingenious Two Phase plan to take over the planet. With Earth’s nuclear weapons as his rocket’s bedfellows, he’ll march anyone who goes against his command (or anyone who didn’t use PayPal to purchase “I Love Musk” t-shirts) into his heavy Falcon 9 rockets capable of sending whole colonies of people to the prison camps he built on Mars. Okay, so this is all speculation, maybe Elon Musk isn’t really a mad scientist in disguise, but with SpaceX at the head of the commercial space race, anything is possible. I’m using PayPal to pre-order my “I Love Musk” t-shirt today just to play it safe.

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