A Crash-Course in the Upcoming ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’

Attention all scruffy looking nerf-herders: we here at Geek Insider have taken great pains to scour the internet in search of every bit of information about the upcoming Disney Picture, Star Wars: The Force Awakens, slated to overrun theatres worldwide on December 18. Below is our downright sumptuous list detailing everything that we have learned for certain about the upcoming film.

#1. Not Tatooine, Jakku

First things first all you younglings, you padawan wannabe’s – if you want to roll with the big Sith’s you better listen close. (That sentence really hurt my integrity as a writer, I know it). The desert planet featured in the trailers is not Tatooine, as was first suspected, but an entirely new planet to the series, called Jakku. Why are there tons and tons of imperial and Rebel shipwrecks across its surface? We don’t know yet.

#2. Rey and Finn Are the Protagonists, Not Luke, Leia, or Han

Due to the slow decay of time, the reins of the franchise must undoubtedly be passed on to a younger cast. Enter Daisey Ridley and John Boyega as the new kids, playing Rey and Finn respectively. Alongside them are Oscar Isaac playing Poe Dameron, a Resistance X-Wing fighter ace (more on that later), and Adam Driver as the mysterious and misguided Kylo Ren.

#3. The Names Have Changed, but the Game Remains the Same

Though they might not carry the same titles, it’s not hard to see the similarities between the two factions in A Force Awakens and their counterparts in earlier installments of the franchise. The Alliance has shifted into the Resistance, ostensibly run by General Leia Organa, whereas a radical offshoot of the splintered Empire had evolved into the First Order, a militant group that plays all the same beats as its predecessor (nazi-esque aesthetics included). As far as we know, though the Alliance came to power at the end of Return of the Jedi, large swaths of the galaxy still lie under the boot of the Empire, in all its various incarnations.

#4. The Lowdown on the Characters

The trailer tells us that Finn was a TIE fighter pilot who gets shot down on the planet Jakku. From there, our best guesses point us to a chance encounter with Rey, who is a denizen of that world, a junk collector of sorts, and her droid, BB-8, ostensibly a white and orange soccer ball that beeps and rolls about aimlessly. We don’t know what crashes Finn’s ship, or why Rey is stuck on the planet, but we can ascertain, thanks to narrative predictability, that both will wind up fighting alongside the Resistance against the First Order.

Now onto the film’s black sheep: Kylo Ren. We know him as a member of a spiritual-warrior group called the Knights of Ren who may or may not have affiliation with the First Order. Other than that, not much is certain. We don’t know who he really is, only that he has some kind of idealization for the deceased Darth Vader and seeks to “finish what [he] started.” What Darth Vader was a martyr for is lost on me, but I suspect it is probably not something altogether family-friendly.

Joining Kylo on his crusade for, whatever it is he’s crusading for, is Captain Phasma, a female storm-trooper elite with allegiances to the First Order. She’s played by the peerless Gwendoline Christie, who you likely know as Brienne of Tarth in Game of Thrones.

#5. “Luke, it’s time for supper!”

So where is the hero from Four, Five, and Six? We have no idea. There are several theories bouncing their way across the deep-web. All are interesting. One is that he has become a hermit, like Yoda or Old Ben Kenobi, as his powers have become so great. Another is that he has turned to the Dark Side and is desperately trying to control his more destructive tendencies. Either way, it should make for some interesting viewing.

#6. The Holy Grail – of Sorts

Various hints dropped by J.J Abrams and his production team have led us to believe that there is some kind of artifact related to the Force that will shape the course of the new trilogy. Whether it is an ancient Jedi or Sith relic is unknown, but what is clear is that this is what the Knights of Ren are searching for. This will likely be an integral aspect of the plot’s development, so stay tuned for that. Whether it’s a sacred stone, an eons old lightsaber, or something more arcane, it’s bound to be important to the outcome for both sides.

So that’s that. There’s more, sure, there’s always more. But what’s the point of watching something if you already know every last detail? Take a deep breath, then take a few more. It’ll be here soon. I promise. Till then, get on with your life like any deserving fan would – buy the memorabilia.  That’s it for me. SithLord69 logging off. (Off to play some Star Wars: Battlefront, that is.)

                                               [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBYF7NuMuEo][youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uy-JBuBogcs]