History is full of genius inventors. We got the wheel, sliced bread, computers, and Snuggies. Then we get inventors who seem to have completely lost touch with reality and what the word “practical” means.

These well-meaning inventors wanted to make life easier when it came to certain tasks that they thought could be better. Of course, this is real life so nobody gets an ‘A’ for effort with these five inventions of complete inane uselessness.

The FLIZ

Do you love biking? But do you also hate pedals? Do you wish you could somehow be strapped to a metal frame all day and get away with it? You need the FLIZ. All you need to do is strap yourself to the bright yellow central frame, with the straps trapping your chest and junk in a tight embrace while you run along the street.

Ridiculous inventions: Fliz

The conception page is mainly in German but has this English explanation:

The prior aim of developing FLIZ was to bring a completely new driving experience to everyone. Based on the very first bike – the “Laufrad“ – we created a velocipede concept of healthy, ecological mobility in overcrowded urban space. Its laminated, innovative frame with 5 point belt system provides a comfortable, ergonomic ride between running and biking. The frame integrates the rider and due to its construction it works both like a suspension and like a top carrier whereas the belt replaces the saddle and adjusts your position. – FLIZ homepage

They claim to want to reduce overcrowding in urban space but…isn’t that something normal bicycles already do? The difference being; if you fall over on a bike you’re all good, if you fall over in the FLIZ, you’re trapped to a frame…

Noodle Eater’s Hair Guard

Don’t you hate when you’re enjoying a big bowl of ramen when things go awry and suddenly you’re covered in broth and chopped onions due to your barbaric slurping? No, just me then?

Well, good thing that there is a product for me. No way am I ever going to restrain my beautiful locks with a hair tie or hat, they’ll go free but remain protected behind a rubber halo!

Ridiculous inventions: noodle eater

Anyone who is not fond of hospital wall pink is out of luck because that’s the only colour this is available in. No comments yet on if it is also effective on keeping chili, ice cream, or any other sticky substances out of your hair.

Sophisticated Lipstick Guide for the Uninitiated

Young girls (and boys, Geek Insider doesn’t judge) have long struggled with learning the secrets to the perfect application of lipstick. Usually it takes years of practice and awkward, stinted conversations with mothers and other young friends who also don’t know the contours of their own lips. Even once their technique is perfected, a rushed morning can botched everything up.

What if it doesn’t have to be this way? It’s time for people everywhere to thrown down their brightly coloured, glossy shackles and be set free!

Ridiculous inventions: lipstick stencil

All it takes is some horrifying rubber “guide” strapped about your head and no matter how much you mess it up, you’ll always come out looking fabulous!

TOTO Travel Washlet Bidet

Japan has some pretty awesome toilets. They have toilets with seat warmers, bidets, music, and enough buttons on its control panel to confuse most adults.

Ridiculous inventions: travel bidet

The benefits to a super toilet are clear: no buttcheek freezing cold seats in the winter, delightful music to accompany your business, and you can leave the bathroom knowing you are just sparkling clean down there. But what happens when you go to a friend’s house or start travelling abroad and there aren’t any fancy toilets?!

Don’t worry, Japan has thought of everything.

Meet the TOTO Travel Washlet Bidet.

Ridiculous inventions: travel bidet

This electric bidet can travel with you, discreetly in your purse or jacket pocket, so you can always be on the top of your hygiene game.

It collapses from 30cm to only 13cm and the website describes it as being the “perfect travel company.” The description also boasts these features:

  • Mobile wash kit for toilets
  • Electric stream operation
  • 180ml reservoir (c.23 seconds’ worth of washing)
  • 8ml/second flow
  • Adjustable strength stream (3-hole/5-hole)

Ridiculous inventions

It also comes in your choice of white and pink!

Fart Freshener

Every single reader has had that moment of mortification. That moment when you let one go and it was silent. For a few seconds you think you’re safe – until you catch a whiff and then it’s all over. Or maybe you have wondered how to rid yourself of your significant other’s woefully terrible gas attacks.

Either way, there is a solution for you: the underwear patch.

Ridiculous inventions: the underwear patch

It fits on the outside of the offender’s underwear and filters any kind of unwanted odors into a nice, fresh mint scent. I’m sure Pet Fart Patches are in the works so that pet owners may avoid their pet’s unwanted butt stench as well. If it’s not, then Geek Insider totally calls dibs on that patent!

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