Sober You has it tough. Maintaining a steady job, keeping the home clean, slaving over a stove for dinner. Then Sober You goes out for a night on the town and then Drunk You takes over. Not trying to bash Drunk You but that dick can be, well, a dick. You can never really trust Drunk You. The world understands and the world has come forward with five apps to protect Sober You from Drunk You.

Preparing For A Night Out With Drunk You

You can’t trust Drunk You and you can’t trust your friends. So what do you do? Get Drunk Mode. This app is available for iOS and Android and is a complete anti-Drunk You toolkit. What can this app do for you? It allows you to restrict certain access to apps that Drunk You loves, like Instagram and Snapchat, for up to 12 hours. Select this time restriction will hide your Contacts List (no more drunk-dialing your ex!) but also activates GPS to stay active so it can help you find your friends in case you get separated.

If you think your night is going to be 12 hours of drunken hijinks but ends up being only 2 hours of beer guzzling and you’re sober before your phone unlocks, don’t worry! Drunk Mode can be disabled at any time by solving math problems that Drunk You would be helpless to figure out.

No, Drunk You, NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Yup, that’s definitely a picture of your butt on Facebook and who put it there? Drunk You. Because Drunk You doesn’t care and Sober You wasn’t smart enough to get Drunk Mode. Drunk You felt it was the funniest thing in the world. Sober You got to wake up to your mom calling you and hysterically crying about how her only child is bringing shame down on the whole family. Mark Zuckerberg, after creeping everyone’s private Facebook messages to their friends moaning about how they wished they’d never posted those drunk pictures, decided to help these people out.

Apps To Protect Sober You from Drunk You
This is wrong on so, so, so many levels…

Facebook is designing new software that combines advanced facial recognition and some top-of-the-line AI to block Drunk You from drunk posting. When it thinks Drunk You is going to do something Sober You will reject, a warning will pop up trying to stop you. Whether Drunk You will stop is another matter but it’s a nice thought.

Public Urination? Not Today, Drunk You

Sober You understands that when you drink, it is a literal law of physics and biology that you will piss out at least three times as much as you drank. True fact. Science fact. However, this common knowledge doesn’t stop Drunk You from chugging all those beers and taking those shots. Walking home in the chilly winter wind and it hits, the overwhelming and impeding yellow tsunami. There is no time. There is no hope. Another fun fact: public urination is not only gross but it’s illegal in most places. Not to mention rather annoying for women.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5JQ1dBnFmk]

Well, it’s time to pee in comfort. Check out Pee Free, the app that is the Yelp of public toilets. This app is available for Android and Apple. It has reviews and even open/closing times for public toilets so you know where and when to go. Why “free”? Originally this was developed for people in Europe where the miserly government had “pay toilets” set up.

Take Pity on Drunk You

Drunk You doesn’t want to walk home in the snow anymore, but you’re way too drunk to drive. What do you do? Don’t worry, Big Brother has your back. The Maryland police, state government, and National Traffic Safety Administration wanted to reduce the chances someone might drive home when they really shouldn’t. No one said Drunk You was smart. This app is called ENDUI and can help you determine how drunk you are, based on science! It asks you to enter your height, weight, sex, and how many drinks you have had already.

Hint: if you can’t properly enter that information, you’re most definitely too drunk to drive!

Apps To Protect Sober You from Drunk You

Once you have the info in, it will calculate how drunk you are and even has two reaction time games to try to further prove to Drunk You to walk it off. Once Drunk You knows Drunk You is drunk, the app can call a cab to come pick Drunk You up. It also has the ability to call one of your friends, in case you blew all your cash on Lemon Drop shots.

Drunk You Keeps Missing The Plot Twists

Drunk you has safely managed to get home after peeing in a free toilet and not on the street. What’s next? Sleep? Only if you’re weak, thinks Drunk You. It’s time to watch the newest episode of The Walking Dead, because Drunk You will totally be able to watch it straight through. Some people religiously need to walk every show straight to the end so Virgin Media has a device for you. KipstR is something Drunk You is supposed to strap onto your wrist and it monitors your blood oxygen levels. When it detects you’re falling asleep, it can tell your TiVo to pause and/or record your show as Drunk You passes out. We’ll have to wait and see if it makes it over the the U.S. and Canada though.

 

Apps To Protect Sober You
That sweater is definitely a drinking sweater.

So stay safe, everyone. Drink responsibly and keep Drunk You under control!

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