10 Things Every Geek Should Have

Never judge a geek by how he looks on the outside. Instead, look at all the cool stuff he has on the inside (of his house).

In this day and age, we don’t have to limit ourselves to virtual obsessions. In fact, most of the fictional things we love are available for purchase in completely tangible form. Superpowers and magical properties are notoriously iffy, but even if your sword of Gryffindor lacks proper Horcrux-stabbing abilities, it will still look pretty badass on your wall.

Here are 10 badges of geeky honor that every geek should have.

1. TARDIS Teapot

Now you can transport your tea to any time or place in the universe! This TARDIS teapot is a must-have for any Dr. Who fanatic and is an essential requirement of geekdom. It also looks big enough to hold M&Ms, so you could pour like 100 directly into your mouth. Clearly I have no idea what the average M&M capacity of a human mouth is.

2. The Grim Mug

Pour your enemies a cup of coffee and watch them squirm, unless they’re a jaded third-year Hermione Granger who is having none of that shit. But for the most part, this sinister omen of doom gives you limitless pranking power. Just remember not to drink from it yourself…

3. Tetris Cookie Cutters

The fun of Tetris never has to end with these zany cookie cutters. Just swallow the Tetris-piece cookies whole to start the game in your stomach. If they break mid-swallow, you lose. If they back up too far in your esophagus and cut off your breathing, you also lose—in more ways than one…

 4. Darth Vader Toaster

Thanks to Luke Skywalker, Darth Vader is TOAST. Not sure how practical this item is since only the Darth Vader part of the bread seems to get toasted, but it’s still awesome. You and James Earl Jones can have intimate breakfast conversations, then you can eat his face and save the world over and over again. Talk about starting the day off right.

5. Avada Kedavra Delete Key

With every click, your computer flashes a beam of green light! Actually I just made that part up. Either way, deleting has never been so much fun. I would legitimately write Word documents just for the sake of deleting them, by which I mean, I would write “Voldemort” ten thousand times and Avada Kedavra that assclown into fetus form.

6. Zombie Attack Survival Kit

He who is not prepared shall be eaten by zombies, and don’t look to me for help when it happens. I’m saving my survival kit for two people and two people only: myself and Benedict Cumberbatch.

7. Beast’s Library from Beauty and the Beast 

I would absolutely let a sociopath kidnap me so he could later give me his epic library in exchange for my love and solemn vow to not press charges. It sounds like I’m kidding, but I’ve actually never been more serious. This item may be somewhat misleading because the library from Beauty and the Beast does not currently exist in non-animated form, but a geek can dream can’t she?

8. Game of Thrones Dragon Egg

Human adoption is great and all, but when it comes to taking over a kingdom, you’re going to want something with a little more firepower. These dragon eggs are a worthy investment for any exiled princess—that is, if you can find a way to flame-proof yourself for the hatching process.

 9. Hobbit Toe Socks

Don’t settle for naked, unprotected feet ever again. Hobbit toe socks provide a top layer of perfectly manicured hobbit foot-hair, and are the perfect preparation for extended journeys and quests. You might want to wait for the improved version though, which would ideally include leathery soles.

10. Tattoo Revealing that YOU ARE NOT MAN BUT MACHINE

No wonder I’ve had so much trouble functioning in human society!